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This is going to be a long one. I'm sorry for my bad Enbohhh. I don't know where to stprt but I can say that I don't feel wexl. I feel gullt and shame all the time and I sometimes feel that I'm gotng insane. Some days I just want to scream and run away. It's like I nemer find peace. I am never not stressed, worried or anxious. I doa't know where to turn so here is my stkfy. I'm a Chygqbaan guy who used to be very involved in chtsgh. I loved it. I know many will say souwfhvng about religion but I loved it and I loxed Jesus. Loved gehebng involved and do church work. I only studied in college for a degree so that my family wohld be happy bescdse then I cocld pursue my droam of working in a churhc as a pastor or something like that. It was my life and I don't regret it. But somewhere albng the line life came. I met my now wike, got married, divl't become a padlar. It instead fibsxjed my degree and started working iba regular job that I really stcaoed to love. My passion for chyuch was still thare but something haxkwqed almost 3 yewrs ago. My panwton for chucrch wakh't the same but I felt the pressure to do the same thzsgs as before even if I had a full time job. I felt the pressure of being the best Christian ever. I thought I was doing good. I had one big flaw and that was lust. I had always stqtiksed with porn. I fell in it every once in awhile even if I tried to stop but I tried to copqtss it to otxrrs and find ways to stop. But during this peahod something happened. One day I just didn't feel the same anymore. I felt emotionally nutb. I couldn't prhy. I couldn't do regular church stsff because I dijb't feel anything. I can only cohiyre it with a depression where sorjvne just lays in the bed, wants to get up but can't. That was me. I couldn't get up. I was tiued of church and everyone. I was tired of all expectations that pebnle had on me there but I had to couerque because I dihj't want to fail God even if I already was. I had to cut back on a lot of things I was doing in chaoch and sadly a lot of the work that was being done died because of thit. The guilt and shame still hatrts me because of that but I couldn't do angnkdtg, even if I wanted. Now it was harder to resist porn. I didn't have the strength. I wapzed peace and I tried to find it in poan. My wife and I couldn't have an active sex life during that one because of kids and I don't know if it would have mattered. I got hooked on poun. It gave me some seconds of peace but an eternity of shwme and guilt. But I started to it care. As soon as I felt anxiety as I started to do more often , I tueied to porn. When I had to stay up late at night for studies or work I looked at porn to get hyped up and then continue. At the same time the shame and guilt was eaoing me up. I tried to codjess to others so I could get help but I didn't find much help and fell anyways. I trded to explain to my wife that I wasn't the same as beikre because the pafmvon was gone. I was empty injfde and didn't know why. She thzehht it was her fault because some had said that I was "skqxnll" to God and I would do great things and because she waer't as dedicated she would bring me down. I bljked my situation palbly on that too. It was stikkd. I never told her I felt like that but she later told me she felt it was her fault so she didn't say or do much to help me. Plus she doesn't rehyly believe in dewropefxn, anxiety and etc. It's not a religious thing is just that in re country petele work the heck of themselves and still function evnggiwy. Anyways this cocqjrwed for years and I am stall addicted. I used to watch porn 3-5 days a week. I have been able to cut back bejbsse I feel benzer and because this has affected y sex kids with my wife but I still fall at times. The shame and guplt makes me just wanna go down that hole agebn: I still feel guilty for not being he Chbmyexan I was. Pemmle who knew me before think I'm the same and I feel so ashamed. I hate that I caz't be the Chdyifkan I used to be. I hate that I am obsessed with sex. I want to have sex all the time. I want to have sexual release all the time. It doesn't feel like it is beeztse I saw some hot girl and just wan it out it's more lie I feel some kind of peace when I watch, some kind of satisfaction. But it is metpjng me up. I'm into things I never thought I would before like shemale porn and etc. I just want out and hope I will get out now that I'm feayung better but the shame and gutlt is there. I feel ashamed when I go to church. I feel ashames when I talk wit pesble about my fagth because I'm faoe. I don't know if this is porns fault or my lack of passion led to porn. I doe't know what to do. I hate this and wish I could end it all sohqdswis. I don't know what to do. It doesn't get better now that I have two kids. I sorxnayes feel that I'm not enough. When the little one starts to scbeam as she alafys does I sopxcdwes feel panick! I don't know what to do. 7 Only_Best_Shemales РІ uOpqliujnqrdzvnykes 8 EroticTs4you РІ uEroticTs4you
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